The Crazed Story Monster
by weirdandhappy
Summary: Warning: This story has no plot whatsever, includes a Character-bashing, and laughs endlessly about James Pothead's brain captivity. In other words, you definitely shouldn't read this. But you will anyway. Right?


**Disclaimer: Ms. WaH would like to state that she takes no claim for the following characters, that she is not JK Rowling, and that anyone thinking otherwise is delusinal. Extremley delusinal.**

**Please read and review!**

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"_I love you, Lily Evans!" James Potter exclaimed. "I love your beautiful red hair and cute little nose and creamy white skin and ocean-blue eyes_… Wait, aren't your eyes green?" 

"Yes, they are." Lily clucked her tongue disapprovingly. "And that was the worst run on sentence I've ever heard. My, my, this author makes a lot of mistakes, doesn't she, and it's only the first sentence - Ow!" she glared at the Author. "What was that for?"

"Well, you **did** insult my writing, and as it is my story, I thought a little smack wouldn't hurt." The Author grinned.

Lily's eyes narrowed.

"As I am playing one of the main roles in this story, I feel it is my **right**, no, my **obligation**, to correct your horrible mistakes and as you seem to have a lot of them-"

Lily really is terrifying when she is mad, and the Author cowered slightly.

"Alright, alright, just stop yelling. And can we please get on with the story? It's due the fifteen, you know, and if it isn't ready…" the Author continued rambling, while James muttered "girls…"-

-and Lily slapped him for the comment.

"No need to get violent, Lily, love." He grinned at her. "I meant the CSM, not girls in general."

Lily's eyebrows furrowed. "The CSM?" she repeated, looking confused.

James grinned. "Our dear Author, the Crazed Story Monster."

"You are going to pay for that, you know." The Author said matter-of-factly.

"I am?" James challenged.

"You are." The Author confirmed.

He smirked. "And how, pray tell, are you going to make me pay?"

The Author grinned wickedly. "You are forgetting, **Jamesie-poo**, that I'm the author of this story,"

James's eyes widened in horror, and his smirk got wiped right off his face.

"Which means…" the Author opened her notebook and scribbled something. Then she began to read.

"_James Potter is the very epitome of ugly," _here the Author flashed him an overly-sweet smile._ "He is short and fat, with too-long arms and too-big hands. I would comment on his stinking, large feet, but as of now, only three people ever had the misfortune of witnessing them, and all three had fainted from the large amounts of green, slimy hairs adorning his crooked toes."_

"That's not true!" James objected, but Lily silenced him with a wave of her wand.

"True or not, this is hilarious." She smirked at him, and then turned her full attention back to the Author, who was smirking as well.

"_But that's not all," _she continued,_ "not only is he disgustingly repulsive, with his long nose, round, geeky glasses, and pimple-covered face, he is also very, very, stupid, extremely dumb, and annoyingly thick-headed."_

James's face was red, from both embarrassment and anger.

"That's a very interesting shade of crimson." The Author commented, looking extremely amused.

"That it is." Lily agreed. "It would make for nice lipstick, don't you think?"

"Hmmm…I was thinking more in the direction of furniture, actually. You know, Gryffindor-red couches, Gryffindor-red rug, Gryffindor-red table…James, what are you doing?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Are you blind? He is jumping around, pointing at his throat while doing the chicken dance… **James Christian Potter, what in Merlin's name do you think you're doing!**"

"Maybe he wants you to remove the silencing charm." The Author suggested.

James nodded his head frantically.

"I don't think I shall… it's extremely amusing, watching you do the chicken dance." Lily smirked.

The Author whispered something in Lily's ear. Lily's smirk widened.

And disappeared. Smiling innocently, she took off the charm, and grabbed a book that had magically appeared to hide her snickering face.

James looked bewildered. "Um, Lily? Why are you reading that book upside dow- **what happened to my voice?"**

Lily was giggling uncontrollably, so the Author took it upon herself to answer. "Why, Jamesie dearest, your voice is absolutely fine." She replied with a straight face. "I mean, it's so **cute **and** squeaky."** Her sweet smile turned into a smirk. "And pigtails suit you, by the way."

James looked too horrified to answer.

Or maybe Lily silenced him again?

Nah, she was laughing too hard for that.

"Well," said the Author in a business-like tone, "I'm sure you're wondering how to get your voice and hair back."

James stared at her in silence.

"And," she continued, "as your silent staring makes me slightly unnerved, I shall provide you a way to get ride of your, um,** girlish** **replacements**."

Lily giggled.

James stared.

The Author hummed the tune to 'Mission Impossible'.

Lily hiccupped.

James stared.

The Author opened 'Silent Battles: The Way to Win' and began reading.

Lily observed her nails in boredom.

James stared.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well are you going to give me back my hair and voice or not?"

"How 'bout not?" Lily suggested.

James glared.

"You do realize," the Author said, "that I never said that I will give you back your hair or voice?"

"You **said**-"

"I said that I would 'provide you a way to get ride of your girlish replacements'. There's a big difference**."**

"But-"

The Author frowned. "Do shut up, please. Squeaky voices give me a headache."

"So will you give me my voice back?" James inquired hopefully.

"Nah. This is way too enjoyable."

"Well then, I'm sure you'll enjoy my singing, too." James grinned.

The Author turned to Lily. "I think it's time we silence him again. Don't you?"

"Yes, dear Author, I do - Wait a moment. Didn't you say before that your story is due the fifteen?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Why?"

Lily looked pained. "Do you know what the date is?"

"The fifteen of November, wh- Holy Merlin, it's the fifteen of November!"

Lily nodded grimly.

"Well, what are you doing, just standing there? We need to work! We have exactly-" the Author peered at her watch "-two hours, fifty three minutes and four seconds to finish the story! C'mon, get your script and let's get this show rolling! Faster! Faster! What's up with you? Run, run! I am going to turn in this story on time, and you're not going to stand in my way! C'mon, faste-"

"Alright, alright, we're running! Sheesh… Hey, my voice is back!"

"Yes, it is, now run!" the Author yelled.

"Here – we – are – just – let – me – catch – my – breath -"

"Start reading already! We only have -" another peer at the watch "- two hours, fifty one minutes, and thirty-four seconds! Faster!"

"Alright, alright, just relax…"

"_I love you, Lily Evans!" James Potter exclaimed. "I love your beautiful red hair and cute little nose and creamy white skin and ocean-blue eyes_… Wait, aren't your eyes green?"

"Yes, they are." Lily clucked her tongue disapprovingly. "And that was the worst run on sentence I've ever heard. My, my, this author makes a lot of mistakes, doesn't she, and-"

"BACK TO THE STORY,YOU MORONS! "

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Hope you liked! Please review... I'm not ashamed of begging! 


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